Anyone who says they’ve learned all they need to learn about themselves and Life doesn’t really understand that the learning doesn’t stop until the day we leave this incarnation.
I had an incident happen this week, the details of which really aren’t important, that really brought this home to me – once again. Even though I’ve spent decades digging into myself, hoping to get a better understanding of the person know as Samantha, there are times, when I least expect it, a “pop quiz” happens to remind me there is more to learn and understand. It also, often, shows how far I’ve come.
I have wounds, like most of us do, from my early life and relationships – friendships, family, and marriages. Sometimes we kid ourselves into believing that we’re healed until we are confronted by a similar circumstance. Then, it’s like we’re reliving the original all over again. We find ourselves responding in the same way we did in the past.
Even if you’ve partially or mostly healed from past events, the voice of ones ego can still chatter inside your head telling you all about it. When an interaction with someone becomes unpleasant, once it’s over, do you run scenarios in your head? That’s the voice of the ego.
There’s a book entitled, Where Two Worlds Touch by Gloria D. Karpinski that has a chapter (the Awakening) where she talks about “the Committee.” The gist of it is that there are many voices that are a result from many events in our lives. Some will provide positive suggestions and feedback. Some will do just the opposite. These are the ones I feel berate you for not saying this thing or that; not doing this thing or that. And that chatter can seem to be never-ending.
I truly thought that I was well on my way to overcoming this aspect of myself when what happened, happened. I don’t like conflict, even just verbal conflict. It disturbs me to my very core. I know how to stand my ground and be firm in my own defense. Yelling, berating, and the like are not, in my estimation a means to resolving anything. Afterward, I feel exhausted, both mentally and emotionally.
What’s even worse is, after it’s all over and done with, the pesky, irritating voice in my head tells me what I “should” have done or said. This doesn’t happen just once, but over and over again. It’s like having your own personal nag that just keeps haranguing you over and over and over. The disturbing point is you can’t walk away from it and you can’t seem to shut that terrible “person” up.
As a result of this constant chatter, you can find yourself with a headache, lack of appetite or binge eating to bring some joy or satisfaction to yourself, inability to sleep, concentrate, etc. Most times, I can calm myself and the voice down with aromatherapy and/or grounding and centering myself. Other time, depending on what triggered it, nothing will stop the chatter, even after days have passed – with thing being resolved.
In a way, I’m not surprised this happened. I’ve been working on getting rid of the inflammation in my body and any reason that might be the cause of that very same inflammation. Inflammation, to me, is repressed anger – the very same stuff that causes depression in many of us. Unexpressed feelings of injustice, protest, hurt do eventually turn into dis-ease. Years ago, it was depression. Now, I believe it’s embedded itself in my body as inflammation.
Is it any wonder the Universe sent me a test to allow me to see how I was doing at releasing it? It could possibly be that this was even meant to be so that I would release it verbally. I don’t know. What I did see is that I still have little control over that “committee” member in my head who believes I could have done better and won’t stop talking about it.
We all have “committee” members, shadow selves, voices in our heads to some greater or lesser degree. It’s important to be aware of what they’re saying to us. Is it healthy or toxic? Where did this voice originate from? Finding a way to resolve the issues behind the voice is important, without repressing the events and emotions connected to it. Sometimes we’re able to do that for ourselves. Other times it may take a good, trusted friend or relative. Still other times, it may take a professional of some variety to help you sort it all out and begin the healing process.
For me, I believe the answer lies in speaking my truth more often and letting go of issues I truly have no control over. I’ll be working on that. I didn’t like what I saw when I looked at myself and I certainly didn’t like what I heard come out of my mouth. The after effects pretty much sucked as well.
I’m grateful for this accounting of where I am on my journey. It always helps to get an assessment – although I would have like it in another way. Then again, another way might not have revealed all that it did.
May you and your ego find a healthy way to co-exist with each other and the rest of the world as well.