Most people call it standing at the crossroads. You know, that time when you know Life is about to change – go in a different direction. You’re just not sure what direction. So, you’re standing at the crossroads. Well, for me, it’s been a feeling of sitting at a bus stop waiting for a bus. I’m just never sure when the bus is going to arrive or where that bus is headed.
I’ve been feeling that way for a while now. I think the feeling really started last Fall. It left me with a feeling that “2020” would be a year in which I could see things more clearly. You know…20/20? I guess that’s where my mind was having had two cataract surgeries late last year.
Who knew we would see what we’re seeing right now? Still, even in the midst of all that’s happening in our own countries, as well as globally, I believe that these energies are meant just as much for each individual and their personal journeys as it does for cultures, countries, and the Earth itself. Which brings me to my seat at the bus stop…waiting.
My life has, more often than not, been one of change, even though what I wanted was the secure feeling of stability. It’s often left me anxious and in fear of what comes next. Many times I wanted to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head, hoping for something better to make an appearance. Instead, I usually just kept putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I felt pulled to do.
It wasn’t until about 25 years ago, I got hit with the “sitting at the bus stop feeling.” It wasn’t that feeling of standing at a crossroad and having a choice of which direction to take. It was different. For a while, I couldn’t even put a name to it. I was trying to describe it to a friend, and was having a really difficult time putting words to the feeling, when the picture of actually sitting at a bus stop, waiting for the bus, came to mind. Yeah! That’s it!
It’s a feeling of knowing something is going to happen; Life is about to change, but you don’t know when or how. I can’t say it’s even a feeling of having a choice – although I know we always do. If you can’t see what direction or directions are being offered or the time table that it could happen in, how can you make a choice?
I’ve only had that feeling that one other time, about 25 years ago. Now, it’s come upon me again. It might be because I’m in my 70s now or it could be because I feel like there are certain areas of my life that are definitely retired while a few others seem to be falling apart. It’s left me feeling very uncertain and without direction. Where IS that damn bus?
I guess for everyone there comes a time in life when you no longer work an outside job, your children are grown, you’ve even laid aside some of your hobbies and interests that you wonder what it is you’re supposed to do with your life. You spent so many years focused on the things that were necessary then that now you’re not sure what Life holds for you.
I’ve even taken into consideration that my life is no longer one of chaos, change, and uncertainty. I was so used to all those erratic energies that it might just be the lack of familiarity with the “new” energies that makes me feel like something is about to happen or a new direction is to be taken. I admit that I really can’t say for sure right now.
I don’t think anyone truly enjoys seeing parts of their life “die.” I remember when I graduated from high school. Those first few months of the new school year, I was thinking about being back in school. Not that I wanted to go on to college. I just wanted to be back in the halls of my high school. I just don’t do change well at all. I want Life to continue on in a way that feels familiar and certain. That may come from all those years of uncertainty that I lived through.
Does any of this make any sense to you? I feel like I’m rambling and yet it’s what I’m feeling right now. It just feels like I have more to do because I still have a lot to offer. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it. If doors are closing, I can’t seem to see the doors that are opening. I still don’t see the bus coming.
Do you ever pray for guidance? I’ve asked for signs. I’ve asked for them to be so plain that Helen Keller could see them. (Sometimes I can be really unaware.) Nothing subtle…more like giant billboards along the roadside. So far, nothing. Perhaps the time hasn’t arrived.
In the meantime, I do have things to keep me busy. Who knows? Maybe what I’m really hoping for is a distraction from those things. Life can be so interesting, even when it remains silent.