Spring is well on its way and I find myself searching for a means to shake off the Winter blues and the trying times of the last six months. After all, Spring is a time of planting seeds and watching new growth come about. That’s a truth of both external and internal gardens.
This past year has rocked many worlds, not just mine. Major events have taken place that many of us never expected to happen or at least not as soon as they did happened. For many, it took our breath away and left us feeling without direction, not knowing what to do, where to go, how to begin again.
As much as many of us would like to claim to being able to remain calm in the face of crisis or disaster, such is usually not the case. Even if we can keep that brave face shining forth or push through the moment of crisis, there comes a moment…that moment when you are all alone and the initial moment of the event has passed…when we feel like someone had knocked our legs out from under us and stolen the breath from our lungs. At that moment, the emotion begins to show itself. Anger, tears, railing at the Heavens, either singularly or in any combination bursts forth. How dare the Universe rock our world in this manner and take from us ___________ (insert object or person here)? For some, a type of insanity sets in, at least temporarily.
I can only speak for myself, but I’ve come to the realization that my reactions are based on the amount of control that has been taken from me. That’s when I really have to begin to be honest with myself. Why do I need all this control? What happened to having faith? What happened to believing that everything happens for a reason? Ego response: “Screw that! Why the hell did this have to happen now ?”
That “truth” that I seek is rooted in my past where the rug has been pulled out from under my feet before and where I made a pact with myself that I would just take “control” of everything in my life so that it never happens again. The fear of a repetition of the past now drives the vehicle of control in my life. I will avoid certain situations that might cause similar occurrences. I will walk away from people and places for fear of being hurt, abandoned, or caused any other type of pain or discomfort. Risk-taking will no longer be part of my life – can’t take any chances of things running amok.
As with many things in this physical world we live in, control is an illusion. We can run and we may think we are safely hiding from anything or anyone that could cause us pain, but the truth is “you can run, but you can’t hide.” The lessons that you signed up for in this lifetime will find you no matter where you go or what you do. I can attest to this.
So here I am. The dread of Winter is passing. Spring is approaching. What “seeds” do I want to “plant” in my internal garden? What wonderful new growth would I like to see bloom within me as the time of year that always makes me smile approaches?
As I look at the current situation on my life, I realize that I am way beyond tired of playing these ridiculous games with myself. For heaven’s sake! I’ll be 67 this year. So I think I want to start with pulling the “weeds” that prevent abundant growth. Fear seems to still take up a great deal of space, so it needs to be the first to go. I’m not talking about healthy fear that reminds you to run when your life is truly being threatened by, let’s say, a hungry tiger. I’m talking about fear that is an illusion and only serves to attract those things that we fear will happen. If you pull the weed of fear, you must be prepared to pull it’s “companion plant” – doubt. I know the roots of both of these go deep and pulling them once probably won’t be sufficient. Just like in an external garden, some “weeds” come back and have to be pulled again and again. Looking at the year ahead, I am prepared to do that, as often as necessary.
Then the question returns, what do I want to plant? For that, I return to the card I pulled last Fall, when this whole thing began, from the Archangel Michael deck – “Believe and Trust”. I admit I allowed myself to wane in the use of the accompanying prayer that goes with that card: “Before going to sleep tonight, say: Archangel Michael, please enter my dreams and replace fear with faith and trust. Let me be filled with strength, courage, and confidence.” Belief, trust, strength, courage and confidence. Those are five attributes that could change my reality immeasurably. What a harvest they could produce!
Just speaking these words is not enough. When you plant an external garden, you have to tend to it – water, weed, fertilize, etc. My internal garden is no different. If I cannot wholeheartedly dedicate myself to this work, the plants in my garden will produce little “fruit” or even wither and die. My lack of tending to my internal garden has already shown what a bountiful crop of “weeds” can be grown. They will return if my interest and dedication wane.
It’s been said that if you want your life to be different, you must be willing to do things you have never done before. So, instead of looking ahead to Spring and Summer (my two favorite seasons) with apprehension because control appears to have been taken from me, I am inspired to move forward weeding and planting my own personal internal garden that I will fertilize with hope, awe and wonder. With anticipation, I will watch and wait to see the new growth appear!
May you decide to plant something that will produce an abundant crop of something absolutely wonderful for you and your life this year!