The Journey Continues – Clearing the Road Ahead

Sitting under a treeHave you ever wondered where your fears and doubts come from? We weren’t born with them. They had to start somewhere, caused by something. Even if you believe in reincarnation, what we’ve brought with us from other lifetimes has to be triggered by something.

In my quest to truly understand myself, curiosity has often taken me into my past in search of where things like fear of rejection, fear of not being “good enough”, or even doubts concerning my talents and abilities all started. What caused these things to take up “permanent” residence within me and caused me to hand over control to them? Have you ever thought about that? I can’t be the only one.

I know I speak often of the two twins, Fear and Doubt. For me, they’ve become illnesses that I feel I’ve suffered from for far too long and, now, seek to understand so that I may be cured of them. As long as I allow myself to suffer with them, I realize that they prevent me from attaining goals that I really would like to see manifest.

There was the incident in the fourth grade, that I believe I’ve spoken of before, where I worked so hard on a painting in hopes of winning a contest at school, being confident that I would win only to lose to a girl who wasn’t even interested in art. This was repeated when, after graduating from high school, I took my portfolio to a lettering shop to apply for a job. I was confident in my work and felt I would get the job. Much to my surprise, I had the head of the shop verbally tear my work apart. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job and I was devastated. Little did I realize then that this added another layer to the layer of doubt that fourth grade had created. It took me some twenty-plus years to even begin to figure that these two incidents (plus probably others) created a lack of self-confidence in my artistic abilities and a hesitancy in moving forward with anything related to them.

What’s really sad about it all is that it even bled over into my writing and my confidence with it. My writing really began in the 70s with creating classes for my spiritual path, Wicca. That was a pretty scholastic, research-type effort so none of my doubts or fears really showed themselves. They didn’t even make much of an appearance when I create, edited and wrote for a small Pagan publication back in the 80s. (I know I’ve probably told you all this before, but, please, bear with me. I am headed somewhere, really.)

Then I decided I wanted to be a writer. You know…make money writing articles, books, etc. THAT’S when the “twins” made their appearance – fanfare and all. I’m not sure whether I’ve ever really had a panic attack so I don’t know what that feels like, but I can tell you it stopped me in my tracks. I would only go so far in writing almost anything and STOP. It’s taken me quite a while to see how this all got started and to create a plan – and an attitude to go with it – to overcome what I have allowed to limit me for so long. (I know I mentioned the plan previously so I won’t bore you with that again here.)

My point is, for me, without seeing where it started, what caused it to evolve and really get a hold on me, I would probably just go through life with an “I can’t” attitude. Professional therapists have said that you really don’t need to know where it started or how it started and, perhaps, for some, that’s true. I, on the other hand need to know where and how that negative energy began. For me, it’s kind of like finding a puddle of water in your house, looking up and seeing it dripping from the ceiling and knowing if you don’t find where that water is coming from the drip’s never going to stop and the puddle’s only going to get bigger.

So, I’ve solved my problem, right? Well, yes and no. I’ve found the source of one limiting piece of psychology that’s been stopping me from growing, learning and manifesting. I’ve created and implemented a plan. Unfortunately, there’s more.

For a while I’ve known there’s something about technology that scares me. The more complicated the technology, the greater the fear. Why? I was the young girl who used to take apart her 3-speed Schwinn bicycle (much to her father’s horror) and put it back together. I helped my ex-husband work on cars. Why do certain forms of tech make me nervous and cause me to, once again, stop in my tracks?

This one has been a little harder to uncover, but I think I’ve found the beginning. When I was six, we moved from Ohio to Arizona. In our journey across the country, we stopped to eat. As my father went to get the car and my mother went to pay the bill, I found a stamp machine on the counter. It was the kind that you put coins in a movable “shelf” and then pushed that in to release your stamp purchase. Well, being six and curious, I pushed the “shelf” in – without coins – and the machine jammed. Oh, no! I couldn’t get it to come back out. I’m in trouble! What do I do? Well, I distanced myself from that machine. Someone came and tried to use it and when it didn’t work he went to the man behind the counter, where my mother was paying the bill, to report the broken machine. Of course, my mother had seen me over there so she asked if I had been messing with the machine. Fearing punishment, I lied and said “No.” I never did tell the truth about that.

What, you might ask, could this possibly have with a fear of technology? It may sound absolutely crazy, but because I didn’t know how to fix it (and I lied to avoid punishment), I established a piece of psychology in my mind that if I don’t understand something well enough to fix it, if I “break” it, then I have no business messing with it. Ta-da! Enter fear of technology. Since I have never taken any courses on computer technology, I really only understand the basics. I can only get myself out of minor situations. Anything else…call my computer guy and pay the price (punishment for breaking it). This is by no means limited to the computer though. It can and does extend to anything I have little or no understanding of how it works and therefore can’t fix what I might break.

My point here is that, even though this may seem very silly to you, that’s how our minds and our egos work. This is how doubt and fear become planted in our psyche and create stumbling blocks to the lives we would really rather be living. Discovering the source of these can be very enlightening, even sadly amusing.

Have I created a plan and an attitude for this one? Not yet, but I’m working on it. Who knows, in the process of overcoming this one, I may discover another obstacle that needs healing and eliminating from my psyche and my life. A friend once said, “As long as you’re breathing, there’s hope.” So, even at age 66, I have hope that I can enlighten myself to all these obstacles I’ve created and slowly, but thoroughly eliminate them from my continuing journey.

May the same be true for you and your journey.

TransformationLove & Blessed Be

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