It’s been difficult trying to decide what to “pack” for this continuing journey. It’s been even tougher trying to decide in which direction to take off. I’ve talked about quite a bit of my life – things that I thought would interest you and, perhaps, even be of help. This inability to decide made me realize that the inability to decide has been a recurring theme in my life where important decisions are concerned.
The first time I really remember being uncertain about a major decision was in the 7th grade. We had begun to seriously talk in school about what we wanted to do and be for a career and I just didn’t know. I came home and talked to my dad about it, explaining that nothing seemed to interest me all that much. It was troubling to me because everyone else seemed to know what they wanted to do and be and here I was so uncertain. After all was said and done, my dad suggested some kind of an art career since I seemed to enjoy that so much. I thought about it and decided maybe he was right. Phew! That was resolved. Now I could get on with being a kid. Unfortunately, for whatever reasons, that didn’t work out so well. Oh, I could cop to there wasn’t any money for college; psychologically I was carrying around that whole 4th grade trauma thing; or even it just took too much effort and I was lazy. Although those could all be true, I think the fact is that I wasn’t supposed to do that.
I think I was happiest doing things that were spiritually oriented: being a High Priestess, teaching others the Craft; editing and publishing Magickal Unicorn Messenger; running Goddess Gathering and Raven-Wolf Nature Sanctuary; doing astrology and numerology charts; counseling people. I worked a regular job to pay the bills but my real joy came from all the non-paying things I was doing.
Now, here I am, retired from all that – including working – and knowing that I still want to help and teach people, but, once again, unsure what the best course of action is.
There’s a saying, “A Witch knows what he/she knows and makes no other claims.” Here’s the thing – I do know a lot about quite a few things and I believe I know these things in order to help others, as well as myself. Then why does it seem so difficult to decide how best to use these things? And why am I having such a hard time finding the people who might benefit from what I know?
“Do what you love and the money will come.” It’s really never been about the money, although making it from what I love doing – namely astrology charts – would be fantastic. It’s more that I want to help others re-empower themselves through healing their body, mind and spirit and, to me, that comes from getting to know yourself.
Oh, boy! I certainly have been babbling!!! As I write this Mercury is still retrograde in Pisces. It’s no wonder I can’t seem to sort my thoughts. Remember all that Mercury/Gemini influence I told you about in my chart? Oy! And here sits Mercury retrograde passing through my first house – the house that’s all about me and the house where the whole sign of Pisces resides! I guess I know why I sound like a crazy, confused senior as I write this!
Seriously, though, I know it shouldn’t be about a destination. It should be about the journey. Thus far, my journey has been very interesting and very enlightening. I guess why all the indecision permeates my thoughts now is that I want the next leg of the journey to be as interesting and enlightening as the first leg has been. I feel like I’m trying to plan a trip with a travel agent and don’t know where to go. Or, I’m on the road and looking for the next sign up ahead to tell me where I might want to go, what might be interesting and there doesn’t seem to be a road sign in sight.
“Have faith!” “Trust in the Universe!” Sometimes I think I have way too many control issues…more than I’d like to admit to having. Why? Well, patience has always been difficult for me. I want to MAKE something happen. Otherwise, I feel like I’m at a bus stop waiting for the bus and I’m waiting…and I’m waiting….and I’m waiting….you get the idea. It’s out of my control. (Egads! Can’t have that!)
There’s even another factor to take a close look at. We often hesitate to try something, especially if it’s something new, for fear of failing at it. The logic of our conscious mind or ego, if you will, is that keeping things the way they are is better than risking a failure. That, my dear friends, comes from lack of self-confidence. Believe it or not, anyone at any time can have an a lapse in self-confidence. Is that where I’ve arrived at almost 64 years of age? Good grief!
The road seems to have brought me to a place where indecision is part of the lesson of the journey – again. As I stand at this crossroads, not sure of the direction to head off in, perhaps the answer lies in the discovery of how much fear is stopping me and what that fear is. In the journey I have taken thus far, I’ve felt the fear and done whatever needed doing anyway. Have I lost my sense of that kind of adventure? If I have, I have to ask why?
On the morning of Wednesday, April 4th, Mercury turns direct again and I will be sooooo glad!!! Clarity of thought – and purpose – are very precious to me. Since I don’t like standing at crossroads for long (or waiting for buses either), one thing is for certain…